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Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Feb 21, 2013 11:00pm PST
the information on what happened in benghazi including who changed the talking points susan rice used on the sunday morning shows so we can be sure no americans are harmed again by the talking points. >> whatever was said based on information provided by the intelligence community on a series of sunday shows bears no relevance on the ultimate questions of what happened in benghazi. there's an obvious political obsession over a series of talk points that again bears no relevance on the essential issues here. >> just a lot of pauses. very quickly. they are not important. they are not relevant. they are not germane. you can't have them anyway but lately there's an interesting twist. some democrats apparently deciding -- democrats deciding that what is -- what is the phrase i'm looking for? >> what is sauce for the goose is now sauce for the gander. >> jon: no, no, that's not it. i'm thinking of the other poultry based expression. >> keep (bleep) that chicken. >> jon: keep (bleep) that chicken. that's the one. [laughter] democrats saw republicans (bleep) that chicken. [ laughter ] and the
Comedy Central
Feb 14, 2013 11:00pm PST
all agree that this game is the most important thing that ever happened to us, right? - absolutely, yeah... - it's very important... - that's the truth. - it's a hugely important thing. so because i'm a nice guy. you know, 'cause i'm a cool dude, i'll let you live, all right? but, mac and frank, you got to give me your shares of paddy's pub. done. - what? - yes! and, dee, you're gonna have to do all the charlie work in the bar from here until-- oh, i don't know-- how's eternity sound? - [in bad british accent] stop, charlie. this game has gone on long enough. [in normal accent] uh, shit. - are you doing an accent? - yeah, i was doing a british acc--it was a british accent. - that was british?. - yeah, i had it so good in my head-- i was doing a really good british accent. doesn't matter. anyway... charlie, you think you have all the power? well, you don't. you see, the only thing bigger than a king is a god. - you think you're a god? i'm the one who's thriving, dennis. i mean, look at me. - you look like you're covered in hawaiian punch. - yeah? - yeah. - mm. - i am the god of my o
Comedy Central
Feb 19, 2013 10:00am PST
about it, 'cause he's my little brother. i used to be able to just toss him around, but now i've got to hit him with a pipe. [ laughter ] thank you very much. you guys are great. thank you. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music["daily show" theme song playing] dhawz. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a very nice program for you tonight. my guest ambassador to to unitee united nations susan rice is here. we don't know how we got her on the program but perhaps it's a valentine's wish. want to give a quick shout out to the lovers out there some of whom are clearly lying. all the lovers that thought it might be a good idea to take their significant other on the cruise for the holiday and ended up stranded at sea spending six days crapping into a plastic bag or as the germans call that, the love boat. [ laughter ] [c
Comedy Central
Feb 21, 2013 1:00am PST
[horn honking]nking ) they've modified a bus to get us out of here! - i knew they'd come back for us!ome bak al - all right! yeah! - look, glen, we're saved!we'rea - all right, i'm turning around. i' - why are they turning? - what are they doing? don't leave us! - let's hope to christ this works. hope to - ♪ california love fonia ♪ ♪ california ♪ is nice to the homeless ♪is nice ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the ♪ city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by m
Comedy Central
Feb 15, 2013 1:00am PST
occasionally that is how it request come across to us. [laughter] >> well, the voice which you kindly imitated is a voice of marginal groups but the voice of masses, the voice of one and a half million people is the voice of moderation. >> it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to repair america's relationship with the muslim world and what better way to start than with brutal honesty. here is the problem with america and the islamic world. we don't know what to do. okay? we tried everything. we tried special envoys. we've tried interventions, we've tried wars. we've tried giving you money, not giving you money. i'm just trying to understand what the islamic world wants from america. it's literally never occurred to us to ask you this question before. >> take the problem of terrorism. if you think that killing terrorists are the solution to solve the problem of terrorism, they then we are the problem. >> that might be what we think. >> when you kill one terrorist you breed ten terrorists. >> right sometimes it feels a bit like whack a mole. you whack one another one turns up somewhere else. t
Comedy Central
Feb 20, 2013 11:00pm PST
tired. i'm using him for medical advice. - i'm sorry, who are you? - well, if you have an orthodontist in here, i've been using a couple chiclets as teeth in the back. - also, i have caffeinis. caffeine-penis. when i drink too many cappucinis, my penis becomes useless. - i can't really address that right now. i have a 16-year-old pregnant girl in the other room that i really need to get to. - and i have bagel-induced cholesterol. - right. so you're having some pain in your shoulder? - yeah. - okay, can i, um... - okay. - yeah, it's-- - [whimpers] - i barely touched it. - oh, boy! - okay, so it's very tender. - eeeh-aaah. - okay. i'm getting a very strong ammonia smell over here. - oh, that's 'cause i let my cat piss on me for health. - he has a little tabby named judd hirsch. - so how did you hurt your shoulder? it seems... - oh! - you may have dislocated it. - this guy decked me 'cause the blacks liked me more. - yeah, we were playing basketball with these awful black guys, and he displeased me, so i took him out. - yeah. - you know, i am actually legally bound to report any instances
Comedy Central
Feb 21, 2013 10:00am PST
his and my weight tumbled us right into the damn pacific ocean. here i am in the middle of the ocean dressed in a suit with my gators on. i'm like, "hell no. thanks a lot. now i'm gonna shark buffet. you bastard. why you do that?!" and i said, "what we gonna do?" he looked at me, and looked at me again and jumped out of the water like aqua man. i was like, "wow!" and jumped right back on his jet ski. i said, "damn. what i'm gonna do?" he told me, "now do what i did." i said, "you bastard. if i could do what you did, don't you think i'd have been up there by now?" he said, "well, if you can't jump out of the water, what you should do is get behind your jet ski and press down on it and leapfrog onto your jet ski." [laughter] see, y'all laughing, 'cause you know good and damn well i can't even leapfrog on dry land. how i'm gonna leapfrog in the middle of the ocean? he said, "mr. crawford, i need to you try." i said, "okay, doggone it. i'm gonna try." and i pressed down. and i pressed down. and my blood sugar got low. and i said, "you know what, just go on without me. i gues
Comedy Central
Feb 25, 2013 10:00am PST
's desert seas ♪ a carbon date with destiny ♪ american dinosaurs ♪ standing firm beside us in her wars ♪ ♪ with your ample dino crack ♪ crapping glory on iraq ♪ take back what is rightfully yours-- ♪ screw you, osama! ♪ american dinosaurs ♪ there's oh, heroic petrel s'mores ♪ ♪ over hills and on the plains ♪ god bless your tiny brains ♪ we the people are your dinowhore ♪ ♪ you have saved ♪ god bless america ♪ you have saved and all the dinos sang. [groaning, grunting noises] - thank you, dinosaurs! - thank you, new york! - thank you, comedy central! - thank you, new york! - thank you, new york! - thank you so much. we're hard 'n phirm. captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author helaine olen. she's going to talk about her book "pound foolish"
Comedy Central
Feb 21, 2013 7:30pm PST
to be confirmed as secretary of defense until the white house gives us an accounting. i want to know what our president did. what did he do as commander in chief? did he call anybody? >> jon: you said after panetta. hagel has nothing to do with benghazi which is as good as any other reason i've heard to confirm him. get the other guy out of there, right? months of media inquiries and any number of classified briefings. keep pursuing it. that's fine but why bring the country's business to a halt? you know who is not going to put up with this your pal johnny mccain because he lives by a different code. in a time of trouble and danger for our country, who will put our country first? [crowd responds john mccain] >> jon: they just shouted something at him. that's right john mccain doesn't have time, graham, for your cheap political games. he will get this train back on track like the straight talk express. >> i do not believe we should move forward with this nomination until questions are answered that senator graham and senator ayotte and i have asked to be answered. [laughter] >> jon: what the h
Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)